Does medication actually help?

The day I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, my doctor was very understanding but also firm with what my choices of treatment were. I remember her saying that in order for her to prescribe me antidepressants; I needed to get into contact with Talkingspace. Even though I agreed with her, I knew that I didn’t really want to be talking to strangers about my mental health.

After collecting my medication and by the time I got home, I had come around to the idea of getting in contact with them. At the end of the day, they’re trained professionals and wouldn’t judge me. They are there to help in any way they could, I sure need all the help I can get right now!When starting on my medication (50mg of Sertraline), I was well informed about the possible side effects that I could experience. Yet, they hit me hard. I felt completely spaced out, extremely sick, lethargic and my whole body felt heavy. For the two first weeks, I experienced all of this; ontop of mild leg spasms, poor sleep habits and over eating. I had been told that it took a while for them to actually start to work, which I knew was the case; so I didn’t expect to feel any difference right away. Three months into taking my medication, I’m definitely beginning to see how much I actually need them. They help balance out my mood, normally I’m either really low or really excitable/happy, not that often in between. I’ve come to realise that, alongside talking about things, they do actually help.

There have been a few times, I must admit, where I’ve gone a few days without taking my medication because I sometimes feel like they’re not doing anything to help. On these days I have been: overly tired, irritable, agitated, more emotional then normal and restless. It’s pretty scary to come to the conclusion that, to help fight my mental illness, I need medication for the time being. I know that I need to continue taking it, as it really does help. Without it, I don’t think I will be able to cope as well. Don’t get me wrong, I know I would be absolutely fine; however I’m not going to stop suddenly taking them because it would affect me in a negative way. 

So, remember that just because you take medication; it doesn’t mean that you are weak or unable to cope. You are more powerful than you will ever know.

Love, 

S xx

Reaching out to someone is so, so important!

When I was first diagnosed with my anxiety and depression, I didn’t want anyone to know that I had spent months, suffering in silence. I was very scared that people would find out, about my mental illness. Even though the stigma around it is getting better, I so worried that people would see me as weak and vulnerable. Two things that I didn’t want to be labelled. I didn’t want people, my friends and family in particular, to look at me and think that I was 100% fine; just because I didn’t ‘look’ depressed or ‘sounded’ depressed. Looking back on it, it seems so silly now. At the time, I knew that I had to reach out to someone; but didn’t want to. I’m very stubborn, which meant I was constantly telling myself that I could battle this alone. To pull myself to tighter. Deep down, I knew that this fight was something I needed to involve my loved ones in. I remember feeling like a massive weight had been lifted, off my chest, when I reached out to three of my closest friends. I won’t mention their names on here, but they know who they are! They have been there for me, since January this year, encouraging me, lifting me up, picking me up when I’ve fallen, comforting me when I’m having a bad day and never leavingy side when things get tough. They truly are amazing…

I would also be completely lost without my parents. Admittingly, they didn’t know about mental illness until about two weeks ago. The day I told Mum, I was shaky and felt sick. We had chatted on the phone, the previous day, and I nearly told her then; but decided against it. The next day, we were chatting via text- Mum was worried about me and asked how I was doing. She ended the text with the following four words: ‘Please be honest with me.’ Just those words made me realise that I needed to start being honest and open about what I was going through. I gave her a call, asking how everyone was ect, keeping my voice light and cheery. After about 15 minutes into our conversation, I decided to tell her about my anxiety and depression diagnosis. Even though I was crying by that point, feeling quite embarrassed at the same time, I managed to get my words out quite easily. The funny thing was, Mum wasn’t surprised at all. Mum’s really do have amazing intuition when it comes to their children!

I felt so much better after our heart to heart, but awful at the same time because I had lied to her about it. It wasn’t intentional, but I had kept it from her and knew that was wrong. I promised to myself that I would always be honest about my mental health, from now on. Talking about it, to whoever you trust, does help lighten your burden a little. You won’t be judged, nor seen as weak, because you are loved very much. People WANT to help and make sure you’re not suffering alone; the world is a tough enough place without having to suffer in silence!

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on walking towards it, one day at a time, and you’ll get there eventually.

Love, 

S xx

But, you don’t look depressed!

Today is another bad day. I’m extremely tired and have little energy, yet it’s only Tuesday. The lockdown is definitely not helping, I love being at home with my beautiful girl, but I’m dying for a change of scenery! Grabbing a coffee, a lunch date or a night out with friends is what I crave right now. When I’m out with other people, for a few hours I can completely let my hair down and relax. For a while, I’m Soph, not Mama, but ME. Being a parent is the most amazing job in the world, but it can be challenging and tiring at the same time.

It’s funny because when I’m out with friends, having an amazing time, or post smiley, positive things on Facebook and Instagram; people always say how happy I look. Sure, I do have really good days; but I also have bad days too. Days where I don’t shower, change out of my pjs or eat properly. I always make sure that Chloe is very well looked after, she’s my main priority and my love for her is indescribable. However, when I’m at a very low point, I don’t even think about myself. Just because I post positive things and always appear like I’m happy, it’s not always the case. I’ve had lots of practice hiding behind a ‘mask’ of some kind. Many people see my bright smile, which I get complemented on a lot, yet they don’t see the pain inside. They don’t know that I’m feeling completely empty, drained and numb. The best way to explain how I’m feeling is as if someone has taken away everything that has ever made you happy. There are many days where I feel like an empty shell, a former shadow of myself, and it is not a pleasant place to be. I just find it easier to pretend to be doing well, it saves me having to try and explain how I’m actually feeling. I know I’m not a burden or bothering people, but that’s what my brain is telling me. In my mind, I’m protecting everyone from the real me. I’m very good at burying the truth and shutting people out. Nothing is ever what it seems…

Remember, you are a warrior and don’t let anyone tell you different!!

Love,

  S xx

I crave structure and routine!

I have always been the kind of individual, no matter what, that copes better with a set structure and routine. Without them, I slowly feel myself spinning out of control. I begin to get extremely agitated and restless, which results in me biting my nails or pulling strands of my hair out. This is definitely down to my anxiety, I feel completely lost if my day hasn’t got a set structure.

Take my daughter being born, for example. Having a newborn baby, no matter how prepared you think you are, no matter how many books or blogs you read on what to expect; completely throws your life upside down and your daily routine out of the window. I remember just even popping into town was such a big event, trying to work everything around when Chloe would need a feed or when she was sleeping; made everything that little bit more difficult. It took me about two months, give or take, after she was born to establish a good, concrete routine. However, what I wasn’t prepared for was as Chloe got older; her daily routine changed too! Sure, I knew that would be the case, but it still took me a while to adjust!! Some days, I find that I have no routine for myself and I end up flitting from one activity to the next. I know that it’s not always a positive thing, especially if I’m having a ‘bad’ day; but it is sometimes a nice change not to have particular tasks to complete. I do, despite this, end up waking up the next morning, annoyed with myself because I’ve started tasks here and there; but haven’t finished them. This means that I have to spend ages, while looking after Chloe and making sure all of her needs are being met, completeting everything I had started the previous day.

I am trying my best, though, not to be too hard on myself. At the end of the day, like other people who suffer or struggle with their mental health, I’m battling with my own mind and trying to get through each day; without any kind of incident. I definitely need to give myself a lot more grace…

Remember, we are all only human and are doing the best we can.

Love,

 S xx

Change is healthy!

This week has nearly come to an end and I am exhausted! I’ve had many ups and downs over the past seven days, which has drained my energy no end. I’ve tried to keep to a good routine and make sure things remain normal, especially for my nineteen month old; but there have been days where I just want to sleep. I wouldn’t change being a parent, for the world, as it’s made me a better person and I love it; however I would definitely benefit from a day of self care. I’m craving a relaxing hot, bubble bath, a refreshing face mask and being able to binge watch Netflix. Saying this, I’m making most of Chloe being small, because she’s becoming more and more independent each day. Sure, she still needs me for a lot of things, but now depends on me in a different way. This one change, in particular, makes me feel sad because she’s growing up so fast before my very eyes. However, I love how much she’s learnt and grown over the past few months!

Ever since lockdown was implemented, I’ve noticed such a lot of change in every day to day life. I’m not sure whether it’s down to my anxiety or depression, but I dislike change so much. It normally takes me a long period of time, to adjust to change and I find that I end up getting frustrated at myself. Why, you ask? I think it’s because I witness other people adjusting well to our ‘new’ normal; therefore I put pressure on myself to be okay with it too. Silly, I know, but that’s how my mind works at the moment. One major change, I’ve noticed, is that I’m actually enjoying not rushing around every day. It’s quite freeing to not have be anywhere, at one specific time. I can enjoy playing with Chloe, reading multiple stories and having our own mini dance parties; without worrying that we have places to be. I’m hoping that I will continue slowing down more, after the lockdown has been lifted. I don’t think I’m going to be rushing from A to B, feeling anxious and stressed, ever again. It will be interesting to see how things are, within society, after the lockdown has been fully lifted. In the meantime, I need to keep in mind that change is inevitable, it’s healthy for our growth and it’s nothing to be scared of!

Remember, to stay strong and reach out to your loved ones often. They are always there and won’t ever judge you, on how you’re feeling! Be kind to yourself and others. 

Love, 

S xx 

Baking is my therapy!

Today I’m going to try and make it a productive day, despite how tired and drained I’m feeling. I’m not only mentally drained, but emotionally and physically too. I’m not exactly why, but it could be because we’re coming to the end of the week and my body is giving off signals that I need to rest. If I don’t choose a rest day soon, my body is going to pick one for me. An outcome which I desperately want to avoid!!

When I’m having a bad mental health day, I find that certain activities help me feel a little bit better. I love going for walks, reading a good book, taking a hot bubble bath, talking to my loved ones, binge watching Netflix or baking. At the moment, I find that baking is my therapy! Since the lockdown, I’ve definitely been experimenting more with baking, and cooking. I’ve made cheese scones, omelettes, yummy cheesecakes and normal cakes. Whilst baking, I find that it distracts me, for a short period of time, from how I am currently feeling. I can focus on the task ahead, blast my music loud and zone out completely. It also helps that knowing other individuals enjoy the food, I bake so lovingly, lifts my spirits tenfold. I find joy in baking, so if everyone also finds joy in eating what I bake, then I’m happy! 

As much as I love baking, I definitely don’t enjoy cleaning up after! For some reason, seeing that the kitchen is a mess, makes me all agitated and feeling slightly claustrophobic. I know that this is down to my anxiety. I’m working on it, though, trying to take a few deep breaths, before tackling the task ahead of me, sometimes helps. One thing I’m going to start to do, though, is spend 15 minutes on one task at time. That way, I’m not getting myself all worked up and super stressed. I will keep you posted, on how I get on with implementing this! 

Remember to focus on putting yourself first- YOU are the most important person right now and your needs comes before anyone else’s.

Love,

S xx

Sunshine is good for my soul!

This post happens to be a little shorter, than my previous two, as today I’m struggling. I’m not sure whether it’s down to the fact that I didn’t sleep too well, last name night; or if it’s because my energy levels are dropping. However, I’m going to do my best at forming my thoughts into something, which makes some kind of sense. So, here goes…

Even from a young age, I’ve loved being in nature, whether it be going on family walks or just sitting in our back garden; sun on my face and listening to all of the sounds echoing around me. The birds singing in the trees. The wind whistling. Leaves rustling. Bees’ buzzing around the flowers. On some occasions, I would sit there with a great book, or scribble away in my journal; but remain as quiet as I possibly could. Being outside, especially during Spring, which happened to be my favourite season, gives me so much joy. It was an opportunity to be very still, in body and mind, reflecting on life in general. It was just me, myself and I, alone with my many thoughts. In those moments, I was at my most peaceful.

Once I had enjoyed the sunshine, for a short period of time, I would return back to my day to day activities; feeling like my soul is now brand new and somewhat rejuvenated. Getting some Vitamin D doesn’t make my depression or anxiety disappear; but it makes such a positive impact on my mental state.

Even as an adult now, with my own daughter, I try and get some fresh air every single day. My daughter, who is 19 months old, is at that age where she loves running around the garden; squealing in excitement as she explores her environment. Even on our daily walks, despite being only limited to one hour per day- due to the ongoing pandemic, she loves waving at people as we walk on past. I love watching her, as she takes everything in, extremely precious and so innocent of what is happening in the world around her.

That’s all for today, I’m afraid. I just need to remember to be kind to myself and that tomorrow is a brand new day. There’s no point in dwelling on things, as it will only make how I’m feeling a hundred times worse and I’m trying hard to keep on looking forward.

Remember, you are amazing!

Love,

S xx

Oh, hi there anxiety!

When I tell people about my anxiety, they automatically think that it means I just get anxious or nervous; in stressful situations. Unfortunately, this is only a small part of what I live through day in, day out. I, myself, thought that there wasn’t really much to an anxiety disorder; that was until I began to experience it for myself. I’m not sure what exactly triggered my constant feeling of anxiousness; but it leaves me feeling completely drained especially after each panic and anxiety attack I experience. It’s like I’ve run a marathon, where I’ve used up all of my body’s energy, but am unable to replenish it quick enough. It makes me want to curl up in a ball, but I can’t. The world still keeps on turning, regardless of how much I’m hurting or struggling.

Most of my attacks make me feel like I’m, somewhat, desperately trying to get enough oxygen into my lungs; as tears of frustration pour down my face. I end up angry with myself because I’m being weak, or I’m not sure why I’m feeling anxious. It’s okay to not know why or what triggered these feelings. At the end of the day, you’re only human and it’s okay to just FEEL. Whether it be pain, anger, sadness or anxious; they are all valid emotions. Try not to be too hard on yourself, something I definitely need to work on!

If you look up the word ‘anxiety’ in the dictionary, it is described as: ‘an uncomfortable feeling of nervousness or worry about something that is happening or might happen in the future’ or ‘something that causes a feeling of fear and worry’ (Cambridge Dictionary). Yet, my anxiety disorder is so much more. So much more complicated, every emotion tangled up together, daring to all spill out at once… 

I get anxious about the little things; such a placing an order at a till, in a restaurant. I have to, every single time, work myself up to standing up out of my seat and walking to where I need to go. I run through my head what I’m going to say, over and over again, so that I don’t stumble on my words. Just that one, short walk feels extremely nerve-wracking; despite having done it multiple times in the past. My heart begins to race, feeling like it’s about to burst out of my chest, my palms are sweaty and I have that awful nauseous sensation in the pit of my stomach. I know that it’s irrational and that I have nothing to fear, that no-one is staring as I walk past with my head down and cheeks burning, yet in my head; that fear is very real. The strange thing being is that, after carrying out, this simple task; I feel like a massive weight had been lifted. I can breathe properly again, my hands are no longer shaking and my pulse has returned to a regular rhythm. 

I really hope that, one day, I come to terms with the fact that I have anxiety; but I am NOT my mental illness. In the meantime, I will continue on being me and take each moment as it comes.

Remember, you’re extremely precious and loved.

Love, 

 S xx

WELCOME!

I am Soph, mother to a beautiful 19 month old girl, a wife, bookworm and music lover. I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression, around two months ago now. It is something I have to battle with each day, like so many of us who suffer from various mental illness’; but I am determined to push forward and stay as positive as I can.

My goal here is to be completely honest and open about my struggles. This includes my bad and good days, no stone being left unturned. As scary as this might be for me, I feel like talking about it will help no end.

I hope that, by sharing my story, it will help at least one person to realise that they’re not alone, in all of this. I want to break the stigma and concrete that fact that poor mental health is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. We’re stronger than we give ourselves credit for and are extremely loved by those around us.

Remember, you’ve got this!

Love,

S xx